My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then
we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
Milton Berle
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for
a jury.
George Burns
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor." I said,
"Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't
notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than
to let him keep her.
-------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I
don't like to interrupt her.
-------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
-------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he
decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less
than his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
-------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son,
I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
-------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
-------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
-------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my
husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married
him?"
asked the friend. The woman replied, "A
billionaire.
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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding
is that
you never get to prove it.
-------------------------------------------------
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father
and said,
"I've found a woman just like mother!" His father
replied,
"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
-------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your
sleep
-------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than
single men.
It only seems longer
-------------------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all
- money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love
- of a beautiful
woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What
happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found
out...
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would
go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------
I think one of the greatest things about marriage
is that as
both husband and father, I can say anything I
want to around
the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit
of attention
-------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.
-------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done
free.
-------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
-------------------------------------------------
Words to live by:
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute
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