assorted

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" "Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

 

By: Jokes Archive

 

A Japanese and an American are sitting in a bar. The Japanese drinks his beer and strikes the American, who falls on the ground. When he stands up, he asks:' what was that?' 'That,' the Japanese says, 'comes from my home country, it is called Judo.' They shake hands, and continue drinking. Then suddenly the Japanese strikes the American again. When he stands up, he asks again what happened. 'This,' the Japanese answers him,' is also from my home country, it is called karate.' Then the American walks out of the door. Some later he comes back and he strike the Japanese, who falls on the ground. 'What was that?' he asks when he stands up. 'That, my friend,' the American tells him,' is also from your home country. That was the jack of your Toyota.'

 

By: Martin van Dam

 

There was a blond who went to the hair dresser with earphones on. She told her hairdresser to keep them on. She said that the next 3 times she went to the hairdresser. The last time the hairdresser couldn't stand it! He took them of and she drop dead. He picked up the ear phones and they said "Breath in, Breath out"

 

By: Anonymous

 

There was a magic mirror in the toilet of a restaurant. Who lied in front of it: PUF! Disappeared! So, an auburn girl entered the toilet, admired her at the mirror and said: I've been thinking, I guess I'm the most beautiful woman in the world... PUF! She disappeared. Then, a brunette did the same and said: I've been thinking, I guess I'm the sexiest woman in the world... PUF! Disappeared too. Later, a blonde did the same and said: I've been thinking... PUF!

 

By: Paulo Maya

 

A blonde and a brunette are falling of a building. Who falls first? ANSWER: The brunette, the blonde has to stop and ask the way!

 

By: Paulo Maya

 

It was half past eleven, and the Garda pulled up outside a Dublin pub, breathalyzer in hand, ready to catch some drunk drivers. The first few people started to leave the pub, and he was ready to snap into action, when he spotted one man. This man was totally out of it. He could barely stand, yet proceeded to try his key in every single car in the lot. The officer watched this man, forgetting about everyone else. The man finally found his car, and got into it. But that was just the start. Lights began to flash, windscreen wipers went on and off, and the sound of Adrien Kennedy's Phone show blared out of the car. the Garda kept watching this until there was no-one else in the lot, except him and the drunk. At this stage the drunk finally got the car going, and began to drive off. The garda then snapped into action, he pulled over the car, and told the driver to get out. " I'm arresting you for drink driving", he said. "Hey, I haven't touched a glass", said the man. " Give me the breathalyser." The Garda gave him the test, and was dumbfounded, when the man came up negative. " But, I saw...." he began. "There's a simple explanation for this," said the man. " You see tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

 

By: Ned, The Laughing Engineer

 

Sunday Mass was going on as usual one week, and the priest was just finishing his sermon when suddenly, the alter caught on fire and in a flash of red smoke, the devil appeared, hoofs, horns, tail and all. The whole congregation leapt up in fright, and ran out of the nearest exit, except for one man who kept sitting at the bench, as if nothing had happened. "Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered. "Of coarse I do" replied the man. "And yet you don't fear me?" asked Satan. To which the man replied, "Why should I? Sure haven't I been married to your sister for the past thirty years"

 

By: Ned, The Laughing Engineer

 

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

By: Ned, The Laughing Engineer

 

A farmer was bringing a horse from his farm to the mart, and was involved in a horrific accident. Both he and the horse were seriously injured, so he decided to take the truck company who were responsible for the accident, to court. The lawyer from the trucking accident was one of the fanciest you can get and wasted no time trying to disprove the farmer. "Did you not say at the scene of the accident to the Garda that you were fine", said the lawyer. The farmer replied, "Well you see I was driving down the road with my horse in the trailer and..." But was cut off by the lawyer saying "I don't want to know what happened, I want to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, you told the Garda that you were fine, yet now several weeks later, you are telling us that you were in fact injured. I believe, your honor, that this man is a fraud." The farmer replied, "Well you see the truck came out of nowhere and..." The lawyer once again interrupted saying "answer the question". The judge said "Let this man speak. I'm interested to hear what he has to say." So the farmer continued, " the truck came out of nowhere, ran straight through a stop sign, and completely cut me off. I put on the brakes trying to avoid it but unfortunately, the car overturned, and I was thrown out through the windscreen. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. I knew the horse was hurt, because I could hear it moaning. A few minutes later, Garda O'Connor came along. He took one look at the horse, and shot it between the eyes. Then he came over to me and said that he had to shoot the horse that it was in so much pain. He asked how I was, to which I replied, "I'm fine"."

 

By: Ned, The Laughing Engineer

 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

By: Anonymous

 

A man is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" The man sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. The man brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very Dub accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.The man continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all...", says the man. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of Dublin appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains the man. "View recede ten", the man says, and the display changes to show the whole of the East Coast. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says the man. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you £1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..." "I'll give you £5000 for it!" "But it's just not ..." "I'll give you £15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a chequebook. The man stops to think. He's only put about £8,500 into materials and development, and with £15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. £15,000. Take it or leave it." The man abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peelsoff the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls the man after the stranger, who turns around warily. The man points to the two suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."

 

By: Ned, The Laughing Engineer

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 

By: Anonymous

 

The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, just set sail from the shores of England. It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody is very excited. No expense has been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works. Every night at the bar, they had this magician come on and perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjury the world had ever seen. It's the first night of the voyage, and everyone is eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem. There was this parrot, who'd sit on the bar top by the peanuts, and ruin each trick as the magician performed them. Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squark! It's up his sleeve!" or "Sqeeek! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician. Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder as the night wore on. The same happened on the next night, and the one after that. The magician would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous show. He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this bloody parrot. One night, the magician is about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage. The lights are dimmed, a hushed silence sweeps across the bar floor, a drum roll builds up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performs his final piece de resistance....and suddenly the ship hits an iceberg and sinks... For three days, the magician manages to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage, starving, thirsty. On the third day, he notices at the other end of the door, the parrot, sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. For three more days the magician just glowers at him, not saying a word - bitter, hushed, resentful, silence. ...Until one day, the parrot can't contain himself any longer and squarks, "Alright! I give up! What have you done with the ship?!"

 

By: Anonymous

 

One day a blond, brown, and a green-haired girl walked into a beauty parlor. A hairdresser went up to them with a look of amazement on her face. She asked the blond, "How is your hair so blond?" The blond ran her finger through her hair and said, "It's natural." The hairdresser turned to the brownn haired girl and asked the same question, and the brown haired girl ran her finger through her hair and said "It's natural." Finally, the hairdresser turned to the green haired girl and asked, "Your hair is so green. How is that?" This time, the green haired girl ran her finger up her face and then through her hair and said "It's VERY natural."

 

By: Anonymous

 

Three blondes walk into a bar and orders a pitcher of beer and a couple glasses and they all start chanting "51 days 51 days" and 2 more walk in and join the last 3 . Then 4 more walk in order 2 pitchers of beer and couple glasses and start chanting" 51 days, 51 days." So, the last blonde walks in and is carrying a child's picture of Cookie Monster sets in the middle of the table and then they all stand up and start shouting "51 days, 51 days!'' Well, the bartender there is so overwhelmed with curiosity that he goes over to last blonde and asks... '' what the heck is going on here?'' The blonde replies," We finished this Cookie Monster puzzle in just 51 days but on the box it said 2 to 4 yrs!"

 

By: Anonymous

 

A blonde walks on a plane with a coach ticket. She passes 1st class and decides to sit there. The flight attendant tells her that she cant sit there because she has a coach ticket. The blonde says I am blonde & beautiful & I can sit where I want. The flight attendant tells the co pilot and he says the same thing. this went on with the pilot as well. The blonde told the pilot she is sitting there all the way to new York. The pilot tells his wife who whispers something in the blonde's ear. the blonde gets up and walks to her original seat. The pilot asks his wife, " what did u say to her?" The wife says, "I just told her that 1st class is going to Montana!"

 

By: Hayes Blackwell

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

 

By: Thumper

 

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free. Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: "WAIT! I see what the problem is!".

 

By: Thumper

 

Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount verest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For a few agonising moments no one volunteered. Finally the Brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes applauded.

 

By: Ned, The Laughing Engineer

 

A man decided one day to get his blond wife a cell phone for her birthday. She loved him and promised to use it well. The next day he called the cell phone and she picked up. "Hi, honey, I wanted to see if your phone was working." She replied, "oh I love it, its so small and fits right in my bag. I just have one question though." "What?" the man replied. The blond answered, "how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

By: Carlos Bonilla

 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a deserted island 20 miles off of the mainland. They decide that one of them should try to swim ashore to get help. So the brunette starts to swim. She goes 5 miles, gets tired, and drowns. So then the redhead starts to swim. She swims 10 miles, gets tired, and drowns. So then the blonde starts to swim. She swims 15 miles, gets tired, and so she turns around and swims 15 miles back to the island.

 

By: Don

 

3 pieces of rope are walking down the street and decide to walk into a bar. They bar man says "We don't serve ropes". So all three ropes go to the next bar. Again the bar tender says "We don't serve ropes". So the then two ropes decide to go home. But the third rope says "I'm not giving up, you guys can go if you're afraid though". So the other two ropes leave. Then the third rope show up at yet another bar but before he goes in, he ties a knot where his head is, and takes a knife ant cuts some of the rope above the knot, and makes his hair all spikey. He then walks into the bar, and the bar tender says "Hey wait a second, you're a rope aren't you?" The rope then replies "I'm a fraid knot!"

 

By: Anonymous

 

Three Chinese men go to a mall. One of them goes to the music store and he learns how to sing "me me me." The other one went to the kitchen store and he learned how to say "forks and knives." the other one went to the candy store and learned how to say"goody goody gum drops." Then the three men are in the desert. They see a dead person there. Then the police came and asked who did this. The one who went to the music store said, "me me me." Then the police asked how did you kill him. The one you who went to the kitchen store said"with forks and knives" then the police asked how do you feel. The last man said "goody goody gum drops"

 

By: Anonymous