jokes
Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks. To be as rich as his child believes. To have as many women as his wife suspects
• Sorry recharge khatam ho
• Mallika went to a swimming pool in a BRA & PANTY.
Guard: Madam here 2 piece costume is not allowed!
Mallika: Kaun sa utaroon?
• Always start your day with a lot of S E X
S-mile
E-nergy
X-citement
so make SEX a daily habit, & u'll always be SMILING!
• Do you know the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a sudden shift of wit!
• A Chinese couple Mr & Miss Hua got twins without marriage. What did they named them?
They named them as 'Jo-Jua', 'So-Hua'
• Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or wife Be-Gum ho jaat hai.
• What did Tarzan think when he saw a dead Cheetah?
Wow! New Underwear.
• Beauty is not how you look, it is not how handsome u r, it is not
• Gal: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card, it says 'To the only boy I ever loved'
Gal: Great! I want 10 of them
• There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads: We may never piss this way again.
• Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho... Kuch nahi yaar bas aapki shakal yaad aa gayi!
• It's the sweetest thing to do. Do it the bed, on a sofa, in the bathroom or anywhere! U must never stop doing it. It's called Prayer! God bless
• Ki kariye lokan da, har gal nu lok jhamela kehnde ne,
Je sms na kariye ta kanjoos, te je kariye ta Vehla kehnde ne!
• Oh menu dekhi jaandi c, main ohnu vekhi jaanda c
Oh mneu dekhi jaandi c, main ohnu vekhi jaanda c
Na paper mainu aanda c, na paper ohnu aanda c
• What's the difference between wife n neighbours wife?
Wife is a chocolate, can have any time. Neighbour's wife is like an ice-cream, shud hv immediately.
• Mom: Tujhe ladka pasand aaya ho to baat agey chalayen. Girl: Ladka to theek hai but mota hai. Mom: TV chahe 14" ka ho ya 29" ka remote 6" ka hi hota hai.
• How do u know when kids start to grow up?
Gals grow up when they start to put lipstick n boys grow up when they start to wipe it off!
• A baby fish asked her mother: Y can't we live on earth?
Mother Fish: Earth is not the place for FISH, it's made for SELFISH.
• Fill in the blank with yes or NO only.
_______I M NOT A Male.
Koi jaldi nahin hai, aaram se soch kar bata dena.
• Paani mein Whiskey milao ta nasha chadta hai. Paani mein Rum milao to nasha chadta hai. Paani mein Brandy milao to nasha chadta hai. Saala paani mein hi kuch gadbad hai.
• Basanti: Bhaag Dhanno bhag, aaj teri Basanti ki izzat ka sawal hai.
Dhanno: Tujhe apni padi hai. Meri soch jiske peeche Gabbar ke 10 ghode pade hain
• Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u have never changed. For me, you've always been a headache!
• In chemistry class teacher asked a gal: what r Nitrates
Gal answered shyly: night rates, they r costlier than day.
• Woman has man in it, Mrs has Mr in it, female has male in it, Madam has adam in it, so girls r always incomplete without boys.
• Namashkar, yeh hamari faltoo SMS seva hai, is mein hum logon ko waqt-bewaqt tang karte hain. Is seva ka labh uthane ke liye shukriya, ab aap apna kaam kariye.
• I have started luving 'U'... I know it sounds rediculous but I can't control my feelings 4 'U'. Some time later I'll start luving more ALPHABETS...!
• Ramchandra kah gaye siya se, aisa kalyug aayega, sifr ek dost SMS karega, dusara kamina bas padh ke muskurayega!
• Sharab Ek Bimari hai jo saare samaj ko khatam kar rahi hai. To aao milkar is bimari ko khatam karen. Ek bottle tum khatam karo ek bottle hum khatam karen.
• Can't believe after all the shit they have been through they're still together............Who?
Your bum cheeks!!
• Tum Haste Raho, Haste Raho, Haste Raho, Haste Raho, Muskarate Raho, Sada Khilkhilate Raho, Khush Raho, Mera Kya hain Log Tumhe hi Paagal kahenge! Ha ha ha!
• SMS ka sangrah karke kya paayega vats...? Balance ka moh tyag aur sms kar... Mitron se sampark banaye rakhne se hi moksha ki prapti hogi... Swami Messageanand.
• I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!
• A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'
• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
• When I go wrong, I need
• Today is the International day of Smart & Attractive people. Send this to someone who fits the description! Don’t send it back; I've already received hundreds.
• So Sweet is
So Sweet is
So Sweet is
So Sweet is
see .......how Sweetly I Lie.
• The Madrasi said: I want to see the movie 'Heart is umbrella'. Which movie did he really want to see?
Dil Chhata Hai.......
• Geeta Sar: SMS kar aur bhool ja, reply ki apeksha mat rakh, kiya hua SMS kabhi veyarth nahi jaata, Sabko apne kiye hue SMS ka reply milta hi hai!
• Just close
• God made Pepsi, God made whisky, God made me so sexy, God made rivers, God made lakes and God made you... well everybody makes mistakes.
• I saw u on road today. U were lukin so fine,
• When words fail... eyes work,
when eyes fail... heart works,
and when heart fails... to kya?,
samajh le TAPAK
• The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
• Geet Ka Saar: SMS woh gyaan hai jo baantne se badta hai, isiliye he praani tu bill ka moh tyag de aur SMS kar, isi se tera manushaya janm safal hoga.
• Agar zindagi main kuch kar dikhana hai to kuch aisa karo ki jis shaher, jis gali, jis mod se gujro wahan ke har ghar se awaaz aaye, Papa aa gaye, Papa aa gaye!
• Tum sada haste raho, sada muskurate raho, khush raho, gun-gunate raho, hamesha mast raho. Mera kya hai, log tumhe hi PAGAL kahenge!
• May the fleas of thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
• Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
• I want you to be with me in a nice restaurant to have Candle Light Dinner & say those three sweet words to you....Pay The Bill.
• Q: Which boy has the permission to get into a girls' bathroom and touch her anywhere he likes?
A: Lifebuoy.
• When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away, come along with me I'll take u to an eye specialist!
• Your smile can be compared to a flower, ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo, ur innocence to a child, but in stupidity u have no comparison you r the best.
• If u want the latest MERCEDES BENZ on easy installments of 10 yrs without any down payment.......log onto our website: www.kutteapniaukatmeinrah.com.
• Mom: Andy, where r u off to now?
Son: I`m gonna join the army.
Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.
Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.
• Unlike others your brain is a masterpiece. In the left half, nothing is right and in the right half, nothing is left.
• Sometimes when u cry, no 1 sees
• Think big, think smart, think positive, think beautiful, think great, I know this is too much for you, so here is a shortcut... just think about ME!
• Today, tommorow and yesterday there'll be one heart that would always beat for you. You know Whose?
Your Own Stupid!
• When u smile the world smiles with u. Wen u r down people'll rally behind u but when u fart u r alone coz people'll never stand by u!
• This is not fair! How could u do this? Didn't expect this from you! Got a whole Channel on your name and didn't even tell me?
Animal Planet!
• If u want success in life; be Sweet like Honey, Regular like Clock, Fresh like Rose, Soft like Tissue, Strong like Rock, Sure like Death & smart like ME.
• Sometime my mind asks why I miss you? Why I care for you? Why I remember you? Then my heart answers it's simply because mental patient needs more care.
• Q: What's the difference between gud & bad gals? A: Gud gals loosen a few buttons when its hot, bad gals make it hot by loosening a few buttons!
• If I ever go for a brain transplant I’d like 2 use
• Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes, but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
• Q: Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.
• Namaskar. This is All India Anti -Sleep Association Mid Night Service. Our Aim is 2 Disturb the Sleep of Others. Thank You.
• A Guy picks up a girl for the date. Why are u wearing
Girl: I promised my mom that I wouldn't let you touch me below my belt.
• Tussi brilliant, beautiful, genius, smart, nice, gud looking, intelligent, respectful, kind, ideal sohne sunakhe Punjabi gabru da sms par rahe ho.
• When you get this SMS, send it to 1 person u love, 1 u hate, 1 u always think of and 1 u wish to kill. Now, keep guessing why I sent it to u.
• My goal is to be a failure! If I reach my goal, I'll be successful and if I don't reach my goal, I'll still be successful.
• Beauty is not how you look, it is not how handsome you are, it is not your figure too, beauty is the inner self, so change your underwear daily.
• Jab tum hanstey ho to lagta hai ki insaan pehle bandar tha!
Dekho gussa mat karo kyonki jab tum gussa karte ho to lagta hai ki insaan aaj bhi bandar hai.
• Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where you get your shitty ideas from!
• Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming 2 her husband, Darling, Come quick!
• Yamraj ne ek ladke ki jaan le li. Chitragupt- Iss ko waqt se pehle kyon mara?
Yumraj: Kya karun, March end mein target jo pura karna tha.
• Sharabi eyes donate karne
Sharabi: Jise lagao usse bata dena ye do peg ke baad khulti hain.
• A young man asks a kind priest: Father is it a sin to sleep with a girl?
Father: No my child but the problem is that u guys never sleep.
• Yaad mein tumhari mujhe loose motions lag gaye hain. Hain to ye aanso per lagta hai raata bhatak gaye hain.
• Can't believe that after all the shit that's happened between them, they are still together.
Who?
• Osama to Big B: How are you??
Big B: Bas Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. And you?
Osama: Bas Kabhi Gola Kabhi Bum.
• Look at the ocean & see God's abundance! Look at the sky & see God's glory! Look at the moon & see God's wonder! Look at the mirror & see God's Blunder!
• Q: What do you call a fat lady waiting for a bus?
A: A Moti-vaiting.
• Sharab Ek Bimari hai jo pure samaj ko khatam kar deti hai. To aao milkar is bimari ko khatam karen. Ek bottle tum khatam karo ek bottle hum khatam karen.
• Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the film GUIDE?
Coz Dev Anand says: O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna.
• Gujju lover: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
• Luk at the world as 1 big chocolate cake. It would never b complete without few sweets n nuts. Sweet like ME & nut like U.
• Be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top.
• Like energy, love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can just be transferred from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.
• Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small people talk about others & legends never talk, they send SMS.
• The first half of our lives is spent ignoring our parents' advice and the second half in trying to keep our children from ignoring ours.
• When u r down & no one is there, don't think of me. When u r crying & no one is there then too don't just think of me, call me up, my incoming is free.
• Look at the world around u; u’ll see God's creativity. Look at the breakfast table; u’ll c God's providence. Look at the mirror u’ll c God's sense of humor.
• A student writes a letter via telegram to his dad. It goes... No fun, send mon, your son!
Dad write back saying...so sad, too bad, your dad!
• You should do two things in the morning...Pray to God so you can live and have a shower so others can live.
• Q: If a devil catches your wife, what would you do?
A: You can do nothing. if devil has committed a mistake let him face the consequences.
• God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't be everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
• I want you 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry Ii cry. U lauf I lauf. U jump out of the window... I look down &then... I lauf again
• The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass & flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn't it rain on you?
• I've written a poem for you:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
you should know what you are,
and once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.
• What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you & torture is thinking of you too much.
• Banta: How does an attorney sleep?
Santa: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
• Every organisation is like a tree full of monkeys. Ones at the top can only see monkeys below them and ones at the bottom see only assholes above them.
• I hate it when people point to their wrists to ask for the time! I mean, seriously, do I point to my crotch when I need to go to a Restroom?
• A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar vary samaart end gud lukeeng maik manee spallings meestaikes... vaat ees yorr opeeniun?
• Hi! Need one girl to marry... Age no bar, color no bar, height no bar, caste no bar, but girl's father must have his own bar...CHEERS
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